Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
