1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
