No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
