there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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