So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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