3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
