You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
