last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
