How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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