Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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