When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
