Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
