sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
