I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
