can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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