Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
