all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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