His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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