she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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