The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
