My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He better not be in your backpack
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
