so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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