I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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