You're so nebulous sometimes
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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