What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
