how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
