I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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