Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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