guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the day after is always just damage control
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
