best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
