I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You need Xanax blowdarts
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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