drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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