Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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