ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
