He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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