dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
