I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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