this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
