I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
