I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
