The maid of honor just puked.
i permit you to call me
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
