Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
