"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
