it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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