3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
