Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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