this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
