There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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