Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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