its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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