At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
